i'm home....wilderness part 1

sorry. haven't posted lately (been busy packing, moving & unpacking) and haven't processed how i feel about all that.

so instead i thought i would share something else i've been processing with the Lord and reading.

at our staff conference in colorado, we got a bunch of free books. this was one of them. actually we had the choice between this one and another one by the same author (sex and the city uncovered). i had never heard of either one, or the author (marian jordan), so i wasn't sure which one to pick. then i read the subtitle on this one: "how to survive heartbreak and other full-blown meltdowns"

i immediately chose this one.

it's been an "interesting" summer and as i've just barely gotten into this book, so much of it has felt like she knows me and is speaking directly to me. so i thought i would share some of my processing as i've read it. i've been sharing this with a friend, so i thought, well as long as i'm doing that, i may as well put it out there for everyone to see.

yikes.

i'm not far into it, not because it isn't an easy read, but because it is a lot for me to take in. i feel like so much of what she is saying relates directly to the state of my heart. i was trying to explain to jennifer the other day how it is an easy & fast read because the way she writes is so engaging, so i find myself laughing, but then i get to a point where i just stop laughing and go "oh, crap, she's talking about me" and i have to sit and process what that means for my specific circumstances. and thats when it becomes hard. hard to realize truth, to apply it to my life, to really glean what the Lord is trying to teach me here.

right from the start she had my attention. her description of how she doesn't cry often, and when she does, it isn't pretty, grabbed me because that pretty much sounds like me. i don't cry often (although i have a couple times recently. maybe the dam is breaking. ugh.) and when i do, it definitely isn't the single tear rolling down the cheek. crying always gives me a headache too. so add that in to her description and you've pretty much got a good idea of what it generally looks like. which is why it doesn't happen often.

when she first started talking about a wilderness, i was kind of like, i don't know that i feel like i'm in a wilderness. i don't feel like i've been disconnected from the Lord or really questioning his existence or nearness, which is something i guess i associate with the thought of a spiritual wilderness. i actually feel like i've had some really sweet time with the Lord recently. but when she described what she thinks a wilderness is, i was like "oh, yeah, that's probably me."

Throughout the Bible, a wilderness season is a time of testing, trying, and training an individual. It is often marked by a period of isolation, loneliness, temptation, sorrow, and waiting.

the waiting part especially. that seems to be the story of my life. in my head i know it is for my good. but i'm awfully tired of it.

so while i've had some good time with the Lord & have been fairly reasonably calm and normal, there have been the doubts. and fears. and questions. always the questions. so then she said: You see, walking by faith is a choice. I had to choose to believe who my God is, to believe what my God has said, and to believe what my God is able to do.

i needed to hear that. to be reminded of that. i have to do that. i have to believe that. if i don't, life will get ugly real fast. so i have to continue working on ignoring what everyone is saying around me and focus on believing God for who He is and what He has promised me. i have to believe that. i have to.

and those are my thoughts on just the introduction. ;)

yet again, i feel like she knows me. One date. Just one itsy-bitsy date (and I'm not referring to the fruit). You know that thing when the guy picks up the girl and takes her out to dinner; that's the kind of date I'm talking about. That's all I wanted-- or, rather, thought I needed. as she opens the chapter like that, all i can think is, "wow, she can read my mind." and then she goes on to ask the question, So, why did I need a date, you ask?, and she answers with: Pride. ouch. that hit awfully close to home.

i want to feel worth it. i want to show others that someone finds me worth it. that i don't need their pity. that someone finds me beautiful (who is not a girl). i want to feel like i fit. i'm normal. not weird or dysfunctional. that someone believes in me. finds me interesting. thinks i'm worth the effort.

pride.

But I didn't get to escape the pain so easily. I was alone and facing yet another wedding season, class reunion, baby showers, and summer of family picnics-- solo. Like I said, it didn't seem fair; I wanted to have someone as my "plus one" for these can't-go-alone events. But I didn't."

i don't know why it's sometimes so hard for me to show my emotions. i obviously don't cry very often and my usual thought is to hide whatever i'm feeling to make others feel more comfortable. but when it comes to feeling hurt and broken-hearted, perhaps i should allow myself to show it. i do feel it. but i tend to just shove it down and move on. but she states here: Hardness of heart and ease of separation are the by-products of a broken world where love doesn't last. Love was meant to last. We are supposed to hurt and crumble when our hearts are broken. It seems to me, if we get jaded and stop hurting, we are somehow less human. If my heart didn't break, it means I didn't love. And I did love. i think i feel a little freedom in her statement that we are supposed to hurt and crumble. i think so often i feel like i am just supposed to keep on going, put on a happy face and act as if everything is fine. but its not fine. and i'm allowed to feel that. and show those feelings. watch out world, you might have an emotional mess on your hands now if i let it all show. ;)

one of my favorite parts of the chapter is when she lists the cliches & doubts she was facing. i could relate to so many of them. the cliche i hear the most is "God has someone better for you." i am sooooooooo tired of hearing that. that doesn't help at all in the moment and how in the world do you know that? there is no promise that i will be married listed in the scriptures. i know they mean well, but when they all have someone, it feels a little like salt in the wound.

when she began to list some of the questions that were running through her head at night, i could totally relate to that. i'm normally a person who falls asleep almost immediately at night. i generally have no trouble sleeping at night and yet, recently, the questions have plagued me. i don't know how to shut my brain off so that i can just sleep and not think about the questions that are running through my head & heart. the question that i related to the most was: It seems your God has blessings for everyone but you. You are such a fool. That trust of yours is pathetic. You would be happier if you would just bail on following that Jesus. okay, so its not really in question form, but you get the idea.

okay. chapter 2.

i love how she talks about the bachelor (tv show). i totally relate. i'm not a faithful every season watcher, but i have watched some of it, yes, i did watch the entire last season of the bachelor and bachelorette, and i have no idea why i watch it, but for some reason i keep watching. its totally a guilty pleasure. i have no good justification for watching it, but yet i keep on with it. i love how she uses it to show a picture of the wilderness of rejection.

as she begins to talk about the wilderness of rejection & the story of joseph. i'm totally sucked in. i've felt it. it sucks. it's hard to see the good in it. so i'm ready to hear what she has to say about it. as she begins talking about joseph, she talks about how being seventeen is such a great year. while my life may not have been as rough as joseph's, no one tried to kill me or sell me off, it definitely was not my favorite year. that's the year we moved and i started my senior year with no friends. seems a little reminiscent of where i'm at now. when i was driving home on saturday, moving yet again, i was hit by some of the same aching sadness. leaving my friends, my life that i knew, moving to a place where i don't have a church, a community, friends, etc. i feel comfortable at home, but once i'm outside of that building, its an uncomfortable place for me. and while i have a great time with my mom, i'm not sure where to start or turn to begin an actual life here instead of just a brief visit home.

when the author began talking about the "danger zone" in this wilderness, that was one of those moments where i stopped laughing at the way she writes, and went "oh, crap. she's talking about me." There are untold dangers for a woman lost in the wilderness, but for the one who finds herself in the wilderness of rejection, a specific danger lurks-- allowing the person, the parent, or the party who has rejected her to define her value and worth.....Rejection has a powerful way of fogging up our mirror of self-perception. A deep wound of rejection often leaves an insecurity that can result in devastating choices....There is only One who is able and who has the right to define your worth, and that is God Himself. oh, boy. did i need to hear that. time to whip out the truth chapstick. did i tell you about that? i can't remember. my friend sarah told me to apply truth like its chapstick. slather it on, let it sink in and heal, and when you start to get a little chapped & dry, just whip out that truth again and keep reapplying. i especially need that when i'm doubting my worth. i know what God has said about me, but its so easy to listen to the voices around me in our culture. that's when i'm in definite need of my truth chapstick.

i loved her constant reminders of how Jesus is in this with us. that He has done this before and He walks with us through our pain. i can never get enough reminders of that.

her statement of what seems like rejection is God's protection, okay, i understand this in my head. but it doesn't make it much easier for my heart. in the midst of it, i still can't see how it will turn out to good and even if i tell myself repeatedly that it is, it still sucks. and i wish it wasn't happening.

Perspective is extremely important in wilderness survival....To say that God is sovereign means He rules and reigns over His creation-- to know He is actively working and involved in your life and causing the circumstances of your life to work for a purpose....Granted, we may never know why some things happen. Knowing why is a rare gift that God sometimes gives to us-- it is not something we are entitled to. Faith trusts Him when we don't get our reason.

okay, okay. i'll keep working on it. i know it in my head. now, if my heart could just get the picture. i think that's why in the midst of craziness lately i've been able to still have some sweet time with the Lord. because i've been taking my fears and doubts and questions to Him. i haven't been afraid to journal out how i'm really feeling. to express to at least Him how i'm really doing, even if i don't show it to others. in my head i know the answers, and i'm working on getting them to my heart. its a slow and painful process, but at least i still get to see & experience the Lord through it.

there is more to come, i'm sure. but these are my thoughts thus far. its a good read. i would highly recommend it. obviously my wilderness & struggles may not look the same as yours, but she really does try to help you realize that even if it doesn't look the same, the issues are similar and the skills to survive it do apply to you, well the girls anyways. maybe the guys. but its written to women. just in case you didn't get that from the title. ;)